


less than life

by asterismos



Series: tu sei il mio soldatino [3]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Bitterness, Confessions, Distrust, Fatal Flaw, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 03:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7417132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asterismos/pseuds/asterismos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There, perhaps, had never been a time Nico agreed with his father more. It should have been him instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	less than life

**Author's Note:**

> There's so much angst in this little thing. My poor child. My sweet, beautiful little son. Nico deserves so much happiness. This ficlet occurs on July 17th the day after the crew of the Argo II pick up Leo in Malta and the day before the Argo is due to arrive in Epirus. 
> 
> Trigger warning, just in case. It is angsty, so expect Nico to get borderline suicidal. I have no doubt in my mind that the idea has crossed his mind. After all, he'd end up at the foot of his father's throne no matter what... But anyway...
> 
> I do hope you enjoy. Eid mubarak to all those who are celebrating! Love y'all. xx

Nico swung his legs in an almost childlike manner, except the twenty mile-per-hour winds forced him to exert more effort in swinging his legs back. Every few minutes, Nico had to shove pretty much all of his hair out of his face. He was almost tempted to climb down and seek solace in the only free room below decks, but he resisted. Eighty feet below him, Leo Valdez was manning the helm alone, save for the ship's figurehead, Festus the dragon. Leo whistled a low, wistful song that was carried upwards by the wind. He had noticed that about Leo—the son of Hephaestus was carrying a weight on his shoulders Nico recognized all too well.

He realized his mistake too late and was plagued with heartache as his mind recounted the events of the last week. It was still too soon for his wounded heart to have healed. He thought he would be able to handle it, even though the absolute last thing he'd expected to happen in Salona was a meeting with the god of love. But he hadn't been ready at all. He had barely been able to admit to himself that he had a crush on Percy Jackson.

And tomorrow—July eighteenth—if they managed to make it through all the levels of the Necromanteion and get to the Doors of Death in time, he would have to face Percy again. He didn't even know if he was ready for that. It made him feel ten times as guilty when he reminded himself that both Percy and Annabeth would be fresh out of Tartarus if— _when_ —they rescued them. They would be in no shape to do much or to even react to anything.

 _At least he had someone_ , Nico thought bitterly. He had been alone, and more alone than anyone would understand. Sure, he had Hazel but despite how much their closeness had grown, they just weren't quite siblings yet. And she hadn't been with him in Tartarus. And he was never just alone. He was lonely and consistently plagued by reminders of his loneliness. It wasn't the same as being on his own. It was like being trapped in that gods-forsaken bronze jar underneath Rome—alone, dying, and losing hope that anyone would come to rescue him. Too many times he wondered if it was worth it to even continue searching for the Doors. No one would remember him as a hero, at least not permanently. He was just a son of Hades. He was worthless.

The doors that led below decks opened and a flash of blond hair in a plain, white t-shirt walked from the stairs to the helm. Nico only knew who it was thanks to the light spilling out from the doorway, which shut behind Jason Grace. Jason tapped Leo on the shoulder, cutting Leo's song short, and the two conversed quietly. Irrational anger coursed through Nico's veins as Leo gave the son of Jupiter a quick nod and a grateful smile before heading below deck.

Jason Grace, of _all_ people, had had to be the one Nico was forced to admit his crush in front of—the one person, aside from Annabeth, that Nico most feared finding out. He trusted his sister enough and the others he could threaten into not saying a word, but Jason was something else. In a way, Jason was much like Percy: a leader, a role model in a way, and kind of perfect. He was a model citizen. He was a hero. Everyone looked up to him. Of course, Percy had the troublemaker reputation that was so aggravatingly endearing, but nevertheless. The two could too-easily be compared. And Nico really didn't like the fact that one of them now knew his biggest secret.

The worst part was that Jason was _so damn nice_. It felt like a pity party, no matter how genuine he sounded, and Nico hated that even more. It certainly didn't help that Jason was good-looking (when did that ever help?), but Nico mostly tried to ignore that part of the ordeal. His heart was already aching for Percy. He didn't need to fall for another straight guy.

"Can I sit here?"

Nico nearly jumped out of his skin—which would've ended in a puddle of his remains splattered against the deck if his hands weren't gripping the wood he was sitting on so tightly. He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed Jason fly up to the top of the mast where he was seated. "No."

Naturally, the son of Jupiter ignored his protest and sat beside him. The small space forced them to sit close together, much to Nico's distaste. He barely managed to restrain the growl growing at the back of his throat as Jason's entire right side pressed against Nico's entire left side. Did the guy have to be so _huge_?

"Who's manning the ship?" Nico asked, glaring at the blonde boy.

"Festus. Technically. I put the Argo on autopilot." Nico scowled but didn't respond. It likely hadn't been Jason's intention to fly the ship when he came out on deck. "Look," Jason said. _Here we go_ , Nico thought. "I know you don't want to talk about Croatia... but _please_ , just say _something_. I want you to know that I really am your friend. Trust me."

Nico could tell that Jason was looking at him, trying to study him and figure him out, but he refused to meet Jason's gaze. The truth was, he _wanted_ to trust Jason. He wanted to trust the others on the Argo II. He wanted to be able to trust all the people around him. But he had tried that, and it didn't work out for him. He wanted so badly to believe Jason and that everything would go alright and people would accept him for who he was and he could lead a happy life... but he just _couldn't_. It could no longer be called wishful thinking. It was simply a lost cause.

"Fine. You know what? Okay. I'll tell you a story." Nico could tell he'd caught the older boy's attention. "There was this boy—ten, maybe eleven—going to this military school. He was a huge geek, loved card games and pirates and monsters. All of a sudden, this other kid ended up saving him and his older sister's life. Everything turned out to be a roller coaster ride from there. He and his sister were taken to this camp by the kid who saved their lives and his friends. And they were told so many great things. They were demigods, you know, but they hadn't been claimed. The boy thought it was really cool. He couldn't believe it. It felt like a dream come true." Nico paused, attempting to rein in his emotions before they could get out of control. Jason continued to stare at him, but kept quiet. "Then his sister joined this group of hunters and went on some quest, leaving him all alone. He asked the kid that saved him to protect his sister, made him promise to, because she's the only family he has left. He waited, feeling grateful. Nothing could go wrong. That guy wasn't some action figure or face or a playing card. He was a real hero. But when they got back—"

Nico squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back tears. His fists were clenched, his fingernails digging pink crescents into his palms. Through clenched teeth, he continued, "When the kid got back, he told the boy his sister was dead. He wanted to hate him. He called him a liar and wanted to get revenge... but he couldn't. He just—" Nico's voice broke off and he cursed himself for breaking down. "Even today, he wants to hate his guts, and it's so much easier to pretend to hate him—believe me. But he's just... he cares for him a lot. No matter how hard he tries to hate him, no matter how desperately he tries to move on, there is nothing he won't do for Percy Jackson."

Nico pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face between them. Jason remained quiet beside him but against the cold of the storm around them, Jason was a warm beacon of light, stubbornly tying him down to a reality he so-badly wished to escape. Eventually, Jason sighed and said, "I have to go fly the ship manually." Nico didn't answer, hoping he could pass off as being asleep, but even he knew his body was much too tense.

"You just have to trust me, Nico. Thank you for sharing... All you have to do is trust me."

The wind whistled as it carried Jason back down eighty feet, and only then did Nico finally relax and glance down at the son of Jupiter, who was already leaning over the controls of the Argo II. Then Nico leaned back against the wood of the mast, which he realized with a start was covered in a thin sheet of ice. As a matter of fact, the entire top of the mast was covered in this thin layer of sleet. Jason had sat through that? For one fleeting moment, Nico was overwhelmed by a rush of gratitude. Then he remembered that Jason was a former leader of Rome. He was perfect little Jason who was too nice and too friendly. He was probably just trying to get on Nico's good side.

 _Maybe take a risk that I'm really your friend and I'll accept you_ , Jason had said just days ago.

 _Yeah, right_ , Nico thought. There was no way. Nico di Angelo wasn't worthy of having friendship, much less that of Jason Grace. He didn't deserve to have friends, hardly even deserved to have Hazel. Nico di Angelo simply wasn't someone people wanted to be friends with. He was just a filthy son of Hades who was too creepy for his own good. He was hardly even worth his life.

Hades had been right. It should have been him.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to comment, subscribe, leave kudos, etc.! I do hope you enjoyed this angst-filled little thing. 
> 
> I'm sorry this is so short and that I haven't posted anything, particularly for this fandom and for Stolen Kisses. I'm just... I don't know. Lazy. Uninspired. I'm working on something for Stolen Kisses but I'm undecided on how to approach it. Something's coming soon though, promise. As for how soon... well, that remains to be seen.
> 
> In the meantime, you should totally check out the novel I'm working on, Beyond the Trees: https://www.wattpad.com/story/75854686-beyond-the-trees-book-one I guarantee you will not regret it. It's just got a prologue and chapter one, so there isn't much to judge but I hope you like it!
> 
> Also, if you are ever in need of someone, you can always hit me up on Twitter (@loneodysseyx) or contact one of these crisis hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html (USA) or http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html (international).
> 
> That's it for now, I suppose. I can't wait to start showing y'all everything else I'm working on.  
> All the love, Cass x


End file.
